3 Student Development Theory

Theory courses can sometimes be daunting and the extensive reading can make one feel bogged down, but Dr. AMO has a way of making learning engaging and expressive. Learning about several theories and how the concept of student development has evolved over the last century was interesting, and as a self-proclaimed historian it was fun to study these theories and compare them to the historical occurrences that match up with their timelines. Dr. AMO’s assignment to reflect on our own development allowed me to learn more about myself and about how my past has affected me and how it has ultimately led me to where I am today.

Fat, Feminist, Femme

The things that I have overcome have shaped me into the woman that I am today. The adversities, the discomfort, and the embarrassment have all been a part of my personal journey. Of course, there have been positively influential experiences as well as the negative ones that have made me the person that I see in the mirror each morning. I have struggled to learn about who I am, and I have floundered with accepting certain facets of my identity. Although it has not been easy at times, I feel proud of how far I have come. This semester has provided me with meaning behind some of the things that I have endured throughout my life. In this essay, I will discuss three theories while addressing three major aspects of my identity: my being fat, my being feminist, and my being femme.

Fat

            The word ‘fat’ has been uncomfortable to approach for most of my life. Even today, I am still working on accepting this word and its significance for me. As a child, I ate to cope. I ate to cope with my parents’ divorce, I ate to cope with the bullies who tormented me at school, and I ate to cope with my anxiety, and my depression. I was treated differently by other people, even by my own family, simply because I was fat. From and early age, I learned the difficult truth that people will often judge you initially on your appearance before they even get to know you. According to Wellman et al. (2022), weight-based discrimination is highly prevalent in the United States, occurring at rates equal to racial discrimination, further demonstrating how people often judge based on outer appearance. They even state that those who face discrimination are more likely to experience stress, lower well-being, and issues with self-esteem (p. 46). I had so many problems with my fatness. I felt trapped in this body, and I dreamed of being thin and beautiful. In high school, I never put myself out there for fear of being judged or rejected. Drawn to theater and choir, I longed to be involved in school productions and to audition for the major roles and vocal solos, but I stayed back, comfortable in the chorus because that is where I felt that I belonged.

In college, my problems only followed me. I felt that college would be a new opportunity to change my image and be someone else. I wanted to be different and more outgoing, but people still only saw me as the fat girl. I hid in the library, burying myself in schoolwork and overeating to cope with the stress of being a college student. I lived two hours away from home and I missed my mom. She was going through chemotherapy, and I worried about being away from her. Food was still my primary source of comfort, and during my freshman year I gained over 50 pounds. If I was sad, which I was almost every day, I would use food to make me feel better. If I did well on a test or an essay, I would use food to celebrate. If I had nothing fun to do on the weekend, I would simply use eating as an excuse to do something. Sadly, I could not handle the pressure of being away for more than a semester, so I transferred home at Christmas break.

Once back home, I hoped that things would improve. Unfortunately, I feel that my second semester as a freshman was the same, just with a different postal code. At home, I found comfort in being with my family, but I almost felt like I had failed. I thought that I had failed to go off to college and be on my own, thriving with my newfound independence. Had I been more mentally prepared, then maybe I would have been able to stay away from home. My sophomore year brought new opportunities into my life when I was offered a position as a Spanish tutor.

Spanish Major

Throughout my first year of college, I changed my major many times. I began as a pre-med major, convinced that I had something to prove. I felt that I needed to be successful to be happy, and that success was only obtainable for me if I pursued medicine. I soon switched to nursing, then to human resources, and then I was simply undeclared. When I transferred home and enrolled at the college in my town, Rogers State University, I noticed that my Spanish courses were my favorite classes to attend. I found them interesting and easy, and my grades caught the attention of my professors. They offered me a position as a Spanish tutor, which was my very first job. As a tutor, I had to interact with more people and so my social skills improved greatly. I helped many students with their Spanish, and they were all so grateful and kind to me. I did not worry about them judging me for my weight. I loved tutoring, and it helped me decide to transfer to the University of Central Oklahoma to pursue a degree in Spanish.

When I transferred to Edmond, I worried that I would struggle with being away from home again. I feared that people would once again judge me simply because of my appearance. I found peace with my body when I discovered the body positivity movement. I started exercising and eating better. I embraced my fatness, and I did not let it stop me from being myself. Branscombe’s Rejection-Identification Model (1999) states that embracing one’s stigmatized identity can negate the negative consequences that can often stem from the stigma surrounding the identity. Although the model was initially presented regarding minoritized racial groups, the model has since been utilized to describe the experience of people who are stigmatized for being overweight. While race and body shape are not equal aspects of one’s appearance, I feel that this model serves both groups well because many people experience prejudice based simply on their race or their size. I will never understand what it is like to be judged for the color of my skin, but I know all too well what it feels like to be judged for having a fat body. I was often discriminated for my fatness, but when I chose to accept my body, I began to treat it better and ironically, I began to live a heathier lifestyle and I found that I actually began to lose weight. My time at UCO greatly improved my life and I began to learn so many things about myself and about who I am. During my last semester, I needed another elective credit to graduate, so I enrolled in U.S. Women’s History, unaware that this class would mean so much more to mean than just another class needed to graduate.

Feminist

History has always been a favorite subject of mine. When I still undeclared, my history professor at Rogers State attempted to get me to switch to the history degree program. I had considered it, but I knew my heart was with Spanish. When I was able to take an extra history course, I was ecstatic. U.S. Women’s History was easily one of the most interesting courses I took during my undergraduate degree. I was a feminist before I truly understood the meaning of the word. I admired feminist icons like Kathleen Hanna and Carrie Brownstein, and I loved Riot Grrrl music and sapphic indie films. My first course with Dr. Monica Gallamore only made me love feminism and women’s studies more. We studied iconic ladies from American history while also studying the three waves of feminism. This class solidified my feminist identity and I learned so much from this course. I took this class in the spring of 2016, during a very chaotic presidential election. I was able to relate certain topics from this course to things that were happening within our nation.

Although I am a proud feminist, I was not always one. I used to be very passive and indifferent about women’s rights. Downing and Roush presented their Feminist Identity Development Model in 1985, and after learning about its stages I began to reflect on my own experiences as a woman. I lived complacently in stage one for the first 20 years of my life. I was treated differently by my father and brother simply because I was a girl. Having a daughter was never something that my dad wanted, or at least it felt that way for most of my childhood and adolescence. I accepted this treatment for what it was, never really questioning why things were the way they were. I was a girly young lady, and so I never protested when I was expected to act like a proper girl. I occasionally acted out as a child because I had a terrible temper, and I was often teased by my classmates for my size. When I would try to stand up for myself, I was often the one who got into trouble.

As I grew up, I kept growing. I soon began to wear jeans and hoodies to school every day, ashamed of my fat body and desperate to cover it up. I no longer met the social expectations of girls my age. I did not wear makeup or feminine clothing. In junior high and high school, the kids who once tormented me daily no longer knew that I existed. I was no longer bullied, but I was ignored. Outside of a few friends, I never really spoke to other kids. I realized that I was treated differently by my peers as well as my teachers, and even my own family. I always thought that I was treated as lesser because of my weight, but in retrospect after learning about Downing and Roush’s model, I now believe that it was partially due to my lack of femininity. As a young adult, I did not feel proud of my appearance. I did not take care of myself, and I did not put effort into the way I looked. I was unhappy with myself , and it showed in the way that I presented myself.

History Major?

When I arrived at the University of Central Oklahoma to pursue a degree in Spanish, I never imagined that I would find two wonderful mentors within the History and Geography department. Dr. Monica Gallamore and her class on US Women’s history opened so many doors for me and my future. She saw something in me that I could not see. One day I walked into her classroom and there was a pamphlet on my desk for the master’s in history program. I had never considered graduate school. I had a terrible inferiority complex, and I did not feel that I was that intelligent. Dr. Gallamore’s class was my transition from stage two to stage three of Downing and Roush’s model. I wanted to become more involved in fighting for equality. Around this time, I was introduced to Dr. Lindsey Churchill, the co-founder for the Women’s Research Center and BGLTQ+ Center at UCO. She also started the Gender and Sexuality Studies minor, and now they even offer a major as well. At the time that I met Dr. Churchill, she was the program coordinator for the graduate degree in history. I remember meeting with her to go over the admission requirements for the graduate program. She was so eager and excited to do anything to help me get into the program. This woman barely even knew me. I have had many wonderful and supportive professors, but Dr. Churchill is definitely one of the best. Over time, I was fortunate enough to get to know her very well. She even offered me a student position working for the Center. I was a student researcher for a semester, until I ended up dropping out of the program.

I did not wish to withdraw from the graduate program at UCO, but sometimes things happen that are beyond our control. For me, it was a financial issue. During my undergraduate career, my parents paid for my tuition. As grateful as I am that they helped me out, I was discouraged when my mom did not react well to my graduate school acceptance letter. I remember telling her on the phone that day after meeting with Dr. Churchill. I was so happy and excited, but that one phone call changed everything. I am a first-generation college student, and I only recently learned this about myself. Since my parents did not earn a college education, they do not fully understand the significance of higher education or what it means to me. When I told my mom that I had been accepted into the graduate program, she became angry and annoyed with me. She asked me why I felt that I needed another degree when I had just finished my bachelor’s degree. She believed that with my college education, I could apply for any job I wanted. She wanted me to leave college and enter the “real world,” with a “real” job at a “real” business. She simply could not understand that I wished to remain in academia.

My mom did not support my academic goals, and she told me that she would not be helping me pay for graduate school. Sadly, I was unable to qualify for financial aid, so I was not able to continue in the history program. I moved back home once again, determined to save my money, and return to school to finish my degree. Back in Tulsa, there were other things on my mind besides finding a “real” job and planning my return to higher education. Around this same time, I began to question my sexual identity.

Femme

            Throughout my time as an undergraduate, I struggled with many things. I struggled with my weight, my anxiety and depression, and my femininity. When I learned more about feminism and I began to think critically about my role as a woman, I also began to struggle with my gender identity as well as my sexual identity. I remember thinking one day about how I presented myself as a woman, but that I had never really asked myself if that is what I wanted. Soon I began to experiment with my appearance. I cut my hair shorter, and I wore more masculine clothing, but those things did not make me feel any better. I was confused, and I did not know anything about being a lesbian. I began to look for books and movies with sapphic characters to help myself learn more about my sexuality. Was I even gay? I thought that maybe I was just curious. I had never met a lesbian before. The only ones I had seen were in movies and on television. I began to present as more gender nonconforming because that is what I thought I had to do. I felt like Megan in But I’m a Cheerleader, asking Harry and Lloyd what lesbians wear and where they live. I soon realized that there is no one way to be gay, just like there is no one way to be straight. Sexuality is fluid, and there is nothing wrong with questioning things or struggling to pinpoint things about yourself. I had spent so much time believing that I was straight, but I soon discovered that I was just experiencing compulsory heterosexuality.

Debt Collector

Back in Tulsa, my mom insisted that I begin looking for a job right away. I applied for a few jobs at the local university, the bank, and even a clothing store, but no one wanted to hire me. Even with a college degree, they told me that I needed more work experience. Although my mom felt that I would have no trouble finding a job, I faced rejection after rejection. I quickly learned that to many places of employment, my degree was just a piece of paper. My best friend Tyler referred me to his job, a law firm in downtown Tulsa. I interviewed for the position, and even with no experience in collections, they offered me the job a few hours after I met with them. I accepted the job, not knowing what I was really getting myself into. When I began working as a full-time account manager, I told myself that the job was only temporary and that I would soon be returning to school. I ended up staying at this job for almost three years. I was commuting to work and going home, only to repeat it again the next day. I soon began to try meeting people to go out on dates with, and I met my first girlfriend soon after.

It did not take much time for me to realize that I felt drawn to more masculine presenting women, or butch women. I continued learning about lesbian history, while watching movies and reading books with sapphic characters. I met my first girlfriend not long after I began working as a debt collector. Without schoolwork to focus on, I was able to spend virtually all my free time outside of my job with her. Inevitably, our relationship ended because we were not compatible. I began to take more pride in my appearance, wishing to be more desirable. I joined a gym, eager to get into shape and to lose some weight. The LGBTQ+ community faces discrimination and ridicule, but ironically, I have faced a great deal of ridicule from members within the same community. I began to wear more makeup and to present myself as more feminine. The femme identity made me feel powerful, despite the marginalization that it would bring me.

No Fats, No Femmes

Allison Taylor (2018) notes that those who are fat and femme tend to be marginalized in both heteronormative and queer cultures (459). As a fat woman, I can say that I have experienced this both as a woman who identified as straight as well as a woman who now identifies as a lesbian. Society expects fat women to put more effort into their outer appearances. If a fat woman wears sweatpants and a hoodie, sports a face with no makeup, and throws her hair up into a messy bun, she is being lazy. If a thin woman does the same, she is simply being comfortable. As a fat femme, I have been rejected by many people in the dating scene. To some, I am too large. To others, I am too feminine. Over time I grew to understand that I am whole on my own and that I do not need a partner to feel complete. I have grown to like myself and the woman I am today.

References

Patton, L.D., Renn, K.A., Guido, F.M., & Quaye, S.J. (2016). Student Development in College: Theory, Research, and Practice. Jossey-Bass.

Taylor, A. (2018). “Flabulously” femme: Queer fat femme women’s identities and experiences. Journal of Lesbian Studies, 22(4), 459-481. https://doi.org/10.1080/10894160.2018.1449503

Wellman, J.D., Araiza, A.M., Nguyen, T-V.C., Beam, A.J., & Pal, S. (2022). Identifying as at: Examining weight discrimination and the rejection-identification model. Body Image, 41, 46-51. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bodyim.2022.02.008

ACPA and NASPA (2015) Competency Statement:

While this course related to several of the competencies, the most obvious and the most important one is student learning and development. Throughout the program, I have grown to understand that practitioners will often favor outdated theories concerning student development because that is what is convenient and familiar. Practitioners should invest more time to studying student development theory to better understand how and why students learn. This will allow them to improve their personal practice.