The Heroine

Someone once told her she could do anything.

She had no idea what it meant. Anything was so large and ambiguous and limitless; surely she couldn’t do anything. There were rules to her world. Don’t talk too loud. Don’t be too bossy. Remember to smile. Be happy with what you have, and don’t want more. Stay in your place. Dress modestly. Don’t act like a tease. Don’t go anywhere alone. Curb your ambition, or at least don’t talk about it.

There were so many rules she couldn’t remember them all. Don’t be dependent but also don’t be too independent. Love your job but also don’t love your job too much. Do your best but also don’t be the best. Speak up but also shut the hell up.

How could she do anything when she lived with so many contradictions? She could hardly get dressed every day without an existential crisis—did this shirt show too much skin, did these pants cling too tightly to her ass, was she walking around as a breathing distraction who knows the answers who can bear the questions

It took her years to finally understand she got to define anything, not the world.

Rachel Toalson is the author of The Colors of the Rain, The Woods, The First Magnificent Summer, and Something Maybe Magnificent (Simon & Schuster, 2024). Her poetry has been published in print magazines and literary journals around the world. She lives in San Antonio, Texas, with her husband and six sons.